Okay, first thing first: NO, this is not a guide HOW to have cyber sex. If you can't figure out how to type one handed I am not going to teach you, I don't want to talk about the ins and outs of bad erotic prose much less try and TEACH someone how to write it, and I do NOT care if you do it. But you know what? There’s some things that need to be said, because they don’t get said enough, and fuck it, I’m a say ‘em! These are, of course, the rantings of a storyteller (and a slightly fucked-in-the-head storyteller at that!) so if you don’t agree start your own blog and we’ll have blog wars about who’s got the largest… following.
Yeah, I intend to return to this topic eventually, because EVERY game has its cyber-sex related headaches and stupidity. But I'm a start here with the game that's nearest and dearest to my heart. The book is on the desk right now next to the jar I keep the old myocardium in.
So, on with my thoughts:
VAMPIRES DO NOT FUCK. They don't bang, they don't screw, they don't bump uglies, they don't make love. A vampire is an undead creature for whom sex holds about as much interest as the chewing gum you stepped on at the gaming store parking lot or the mess your dog left on the neighbor's carefully manicured lawn. This doesn't mean some drop-dead gorgeous Toreador is above faking it with the mayor so her hidden ghoul can get some photographs with which to exert leverage over his philandering ass, but let's get real: if two 13th gen vampires are doing the horizontal mambo, then YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Vampires. Don't. Get. Off. It's called a horror game, welcome to the horrible part, if you want to screw like bunny rabbits make a mage or a mortal or a kinfolk. And if you are trying to seduce your way into polite society and you’re vampire possesses Presence and you’re using slut wear, clear heels, and generally being a sexual predator to get there then somewhere you reallllly missed the whole damn point, delete your PC and go get a Hustler.
WEREWOLVES DO NOT FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES. Would you screw your Husky/Shepherd mix? No? Well guess what, MOST people born to humans aren't going to screw someone born a WOLF, and the exception to that rule is typically someone you don't want to sit down and have a latte with at Starbucks and probably the kind of person you feel dirty when you shake their hand. Are there exceptions to the rule? Sure there are, but how much time has your homid garou spent in his lupus form running with a pack of wolves? How much time does your Lupus garou spend in homid? If your lupus is spending 99% of his time in homid because he has the hots for Rosy Rottencrotch YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Werewolves try to keep it within their species – not because werewolves would but because *everyone* would!
Metis - for the record - are sterile, and that DOES NOT mean they can screw all they want, no birth control necessary. Metis are wrong, they are deformed, they CAN'T have kids and most people with IQ in the positive range stay the fuck away from them. If you're metis has a lover, if your PC has a metis lover, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Anyone with two warm brain cells doesn't want to sleep with the guy who's got antlers for Christ’s sake, get over it or don't play a metis. And frankly, most metis should have some *serious* personality issues when it comes to sex from growing up knowing they are the sterile result of an act that left mom and dag with a whole lot of egg on their face. (Well, SOMETHING on their face anyway.)
And cross tribe relationships? Sure, they can happen, but it pisses a LOT of people in both tribes off. Remember that pure blood background? If your Silver Fang is sleeping with a Bone Gnawer you are essentially slapping the whole tribe in the face with the penis involved. If you're Black Fury Kinfolk is having kids with a Shadow Lord YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. If you do this, someone, if not both parties are VERY likely to get run right out of town, shamed horribly, and depending on the tribe possibly maimed, permanently disfigured, or downright killed. Unless you're the Bone Gnawer, that is the only pack that might hive five the lucky person involved, but it might also start an inter-tribal war... so engage in coitus at your own risk. Now, allow me to make a note about table top gaming; just because your PC was involved in some poorly run game when you were 13, and had a lover from another tribe’s kin, that doesn’t mean it’s kosher and I’m talking out my ass. Remember that our games are fine and dandy and if Richard Edwards, your seventh grade storyteller wants to let that shit fly in his game? All him, it’s his game, but ONLINE any storyteller with a set (ladies included) is going to pimp smack your PC’s through a wall.
Demons are a lot like these werewolves in that they DO NOT fuck in their apocalyptic form. If you’re locking up in a room and then locking up with a damn angel in the glory and horror form, you’re an idiot. The demons of the world are just that, demons, and anyone who’s into THAT is a plain bent little monkey. Sure, a few of those demons do look the part of angels… and some of them look like the devil too. But that doesn’t change the fact that, frankly, if your Demon PC is exchanging bodily fluids in anything BUT their mortal guise then you’re missing the whole point to their torment. If you’re the girl or boy who’s under that thing, just remember: succubi KILL their victims, so stop being so damn perverted!
Changelings… Okay, yeah, your right, in the old World of Darkness the Satyr just screams fornication. I really can’t say anything there… but I will say that if you’ve made a boggan for sex you’re a moron, go change the kith to something that’s not so damn laughable. Make a Satyr or even an Eshu or a Sidhe, at least someone would WANT to sleep with them, and not a roly-poly little hobbit looking mother fucker, because frankly no one wants to see Sam Gamgee in a g-string and pasties! Most Storytellers wince when they see a Satyr because they know – oh yes boys and girls, we know what’s coming, and we PRAY you’re not going to be another doofus who logs in only to see what the flavor of the week’s prospects are like. Satyr’s are painful to the online ST, we want to like the kith, but at the same time, soooo many people who play them are so bad at playing them it’s pathetic. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not because the players don’t get Satyr… I mean, drink, eat, fuck, sleep, what’s not to understand? It’s that the Satyr draws so many BAD players to them! It’s a shit magnet kith, drawing the worst cyberwhores and grammatically challenged perverts the interwebs have to offer!
For the Mages, the Hunters, the Mummies, the others who are mostly normal... BE WARNED, there are logs out there for Digichat rooms, and just because you go into a locked room does NOT mean us storytellers can't pull the logs some day. We don't NEED your password, just the room name, locked or unlocked, and then our prying little beady ST eyes can dig in and see just how fucking sick your games are. Expect there to be repercussions if your PC sleeps with everything that has a pulse, gets involved in freaky crinos-on-midget flings, and does ass-to-mouth with that sexy Demon who has the big... sword. Herpasyphlaids is right around the corner, and you just might find yourself wishing you'd done the whole damn scene through AIM instead of in a locked room. Gypsies, mages and their little helpers, technocrats, you name it, we’ve seen it. Oh, and here’s something to keep in mind: if you are using correspondence, mind, and life magick all at the same time to have a threesome (or foursome, or whatever) with your sleeper partner? The paradox STILL winds up fucking YOU in the end! Maybe literally if you have too much paradox and a REALLY perverse storyteller. Point is, if you get your PC in bed and suddenly forget that there is a system to the game… well, who knows, you might wind up with an ingrown penis!
Wraith. If you have a wraith, or ever had a wraith PC involved in cyber, you need to stop reading this, turn off your computer, get in your car, drive to the nearest therapist, kick the current patient off the couch, and get some serious help you sick twisted fuck.
Fomori. You know… when it first came out, Freak Legion was the shit. There was one thing in there that I saw that made me cringe and laugh at the same time: savage genitalia. If you ever created a fomori with that, see Wraith above… if you ever actually used it, and ESPECIALLY if you combined it with body barbs, inner volcano, or succubi’s veil, then you don’t need a god damned couch, you need a room with very soft walls and chemicals to keep you away from the elementary schools you inhuman demented fucked-up monster!
NOW, a word on Cyber. I do not personally CARE if you and a willing parter (or two or three...) lock a room and go hobbling in and roll your dexterity + sexual prowess vs. dif 4 alllll night long (although we all know the dice pool is much *AHEM* smaller), but, if that's all you do IC, you're never going to get an experience request granted, and no one is going to take you as a PC seriously, forget influence, and forget much improvement. FURTHER, while I and most of the ST's could care less, if you let it turn into a drama barrier to our SL's, expect that we'll whack you upside the head with some pretty serious repercussions. Why? Because we put time and effort into our threads, and it REALLY pisses us off when someone with bad grammar and a vagina that looks like an old catcher’s mitt derails things for a week because gilted lover PC's can't stop following their penises long enough to PLAY the game we are actually TRYING to run for people.
In other words: cyber yourself silly if you like, we don't want to suppress your creativity... but don't let it fuck with our games, or we'll put a stop to it through dirty tricks, vile consequences, or if we have to downright mean ST'ness. I guarantee you that with few exceptions there are very few storytellers out there on the interwebs who smile and get warm tingly feelings when they see slews of locked rooms and IC drama and OOC drama over whose electrons are interfacing on their chat and in their venues.
Now, let me spell something out. Every storyteller / game master / dungeon master / referee out there at one point or another (and some will deny It – don’t be fooled though) has engaged in cyber. Some might still log in under names no one knows and others might go to another site or do it in chat, but most Storytellers gave it up or at the very least developed highly discriminating taste in cyber-partners. Why? Because you can only type “uh, oh, ahhh, grunt, splurt” so many ways. Cyber sex has about the appeal of most porno mags, that is to say, fleeting, and highly variable with quality. It’s bad enough typing prose one handed, but it gets worse when your partner has no imagination and even less ability to compose a legible fucking sentence much less one that’s sultry and elicits a response! We’ve been there, we’ve done that, so don’t get all defensive about it and certainly don’t say it’s because we don’t understand. We understand the urge to screw quite well, I promise you, every human being who isn’t unbearably pent up knows the need to get some action. We might not all indulge that every five minutes, but then, not everyone can be a functional member of society; now here’s some tissue, there’s the bathroom, let the adults have their game for a while okay?
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