So by now, if you are reading my blog and wondering what the hell I am going on about and acting like such a sanctimonious bastard, you are either one of the people for whom role playing is a hobby, or you are asking yourself if I have lost my fucking mind.
Let me explain what the gist of role playing is in the first place, because frankly a lot of people out there playing these games in the first place don’t have the foggiest idea and wouldn’t know truth from imaginary if Harry Potter himself was eating fruit loops on their front porch. I am like a lot of folks who role play in that I started a long time ago, playing D&D when I was a kid almost 30 years ago in fact. Stop with the old-fart comments, don’t make me whack you with my cane bitches. All jests about age and geriatrics aside, gaming has been around for a looong time.
The story goes that back in the late 60’s / early 70’s a game of Risk was run in which the host told his players (I do believe it was St. Gygax who did this, but don’t quote me…) that they could attempt “back room” deals and politics. So the game, the host felt, was a horrible failure because they didn’t finish, but his guests, oh honey, they had a blast! They conned and connived, made back room deals, held coups and double crossed each other and alllll those things. They “took on” the role of world leaders and did unscripted, unscrupulous, unplanned things that added a deep human dimension to a simple game of risk. This led to some ideas and inspirations and eventually D&D grew out of that whole idea. That there was more to games than just games, that you could add in human depth and make it far more intriguing.
Today we have those whole cottage industry making billions of dollars a year off people who want to escape their dreary, boring, craptastic lives. Why? Because there’s a whole shitload of people out there who are sad and never do a fucking thing worthy of being called adventure, but they want to. And on the flipside of the coin there’s a shit load of people out there who bust their ass in this shitty economy and just want some place that they can go and have a little high fantasy that doesn’t involve a cash register or a stupid uniform or some ass hole’s attitude while you’re trying to do your job for low wages. I fall into the “I’m just bored and gaming out of habit” category myself, I doubt I’ll walk away any time soon because frankly, I am amused by idiots and idiocy and their attempts to impose upon me their ideals of cool or acceptable. It’s like watching ants run up an elephants leg with rape on their little ant minds. To those players I say: sorry kids, you’re not going to change ME based on an online game and if you’re actually trying to actively do so, you’re a douche.
So role playing is a game, yes, much like risk or monopoly, only there’s no board, no pieces, and no set “goal” in most cases… with a few notable exceptions (Like Paranoia). You assume the role of a created person, and basically pretend to be someone who’s more bad ass than you are yourself for a short time. All is well with the world, right? Seems like it would be something hard to mess up, right? Wrong. The problem is that any time you get two people together, no matter how mellow, there’s going to be SOMETHING that they can’t agree on. Now, I know you’re saying, “Gee, you haven’t told us much about what role playing IS?” No, I have… Role Playing is PLAYING a ROLE. Actually making it your own. Its equal parts acting and storytelling.
Well, the problem here is that whether you are playing in a game that takes place in a gothic horror now, a distant mystical past, or a futuristic fantasy in space, there’s always some jack ass who just can’t play and be cool with everyone else playing. There is always some water head who has to gripe because his PC isn’t the most specialist or who demands the storytellers time and attention or who wants to be all emo and the center of a galaxy (and game) wide attempt to cheer him up or even just wants to fuck everything in sight that’s got a pulse (pulse is even optional in some cases…). Yep, it gets political. Frankly, I don’t really CARE about someone who’s PC is just a bad idea or who wants to cyber their way into hairy palmed blindness… it’s the social rejects who can’t just be mellow and let others have their fun that I can’t stand. Who cares if Bob the guy from Mud Lick, Kentucky has a piss-poor character? No one is demanding you play with him, leave him be and worry about your own shit. Can’t do that? Then you’re the kind of guy who could fuck up a blow job and I don’t mind it if I offend you by saying so.
The bottom line is that there is almost nothing at stake, people role play and they are so damn judgemental and nasty and political precisely because the stakes are so SMALL. It’s no different than kids playing video games – the price tag is just different and we prefer to interact more dynamically.
Now, here’s the secret: if you want to be a good role player, you have to be good at telling a story. Not necessarily for others, but you have to be good at telling YOUR story… and by YOUR story I don’t mean you personally, I mean, whatever the story is you are trying to tell. Not necessarily every story starts off with a definite ending, there’s nothing wrong with it evolving as it goes along, and there’s no problem if you wander hither and yon while you tell it, but you gotta tell it well. A poorly defined and poorly told story, one where you don’t know who the hell the hero is or what he’s about, goes down about like drinking a nice tall glass of puree’d fish guts in a warm urine sauce. At least take the time to figure out what kind of person you’re going to portray.
And while we’re at it, one last tip: No one likes and ass hole. This goes for characters as well as people, so if your character is an ass hole, expect that no one at all is going to want to hang out with him. You know, when you walk into work and the boss gives you a shit job just because he can and he has power over you? The nazi bitch who runs the office like it’s her own personal little corner of hell over which to hoard? The prick body builder who gave you the atomic wedgie in 10th grade? No body liked them because they. Are. Ass holes. So if you want to have fun and not get avoided like mormon missionaries in a Southern Baptist neighborhood, or worse yet, get curb stomped like mormon missionaries in Kabul, then do us alllll a favor and don’t be an ass hole and don’t PLAY an ass hole.
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